Do my Taxes!

How are those resolutions coming? Lost twenty pounds yet? Start "Fifty Shades of Grey" yet? Win a Nobel Peace Prize? Yeah, me neither. Let's forget about all that anyway, we have all year! What is coming up soon? Taxtime, or as us musicians like to call it "How-much-can-the-IRS-rape-you-time." Woooo. Yeah we're screwed. It should not be overlooked, however, that often times in history during the darkest hours a little inspiration has sparked the once defeated souls of men only to have them rise up to glory and overcome impossible obstacles. And if you, like me, have made the genius choice to make noise with a piece of wood for a living and actually expect people to pay for this, (the scientific community calls it "playing guitar"), you may find yourself trying to come up with creative ways to lighten the load that is about to give you Spina Bifida (look it up, you'll understand.) for the next four months and make you live off of Ramen Noodles and goat urine.

What ever could this inspiration be, you ask? I'll tell you. It's time to get really damn creative with your tax write offs and I am about to throw you the five most epic, ridiculous write offs that have ever been written off. Ever. If these old rich white men can get away with this crap, then so can you! Let's do this. To make this blog even more fun, I want you to try and guess which of these deductions were legal and which ones were illegal. The answers will be at the bottom.

5. Saying this first man wasn't technologically savvy would be as much an understatement as saying World War II was a disagreement. He adamantly refused to have a computer, a phone or an email address. However, having this anti-techno attitude makes having a business pretty damn difficult. So, without the use of modern communication, how do you communicate with your business partner who lives miles and miles across the city in Phoenix? Anybody? Eh? No brainer! Carrier Pigeons! But pigeons don't feed themselves. Or clean themselves. And sometimes they like to watch "Yo Gabba Gabba", so he added up all the expenses associated with the care of the pigeons over the year and wrote it off.

(I am ready for battle, sir.)

4. Once upon a time, on the Jerry Springer show, there lived a "princess" (stripper) who "danced"(stripped) in a beautiful garden (strip club). She was, how you say, completely disproportional. No, she didn't look like Sloth from the Goonies or have octopus tentacles for limbs. She did, however, pay a five digit sum to have 56FF implants. She made a $2,088 deduction on her taxes one year for how much her wolly mammoth-like mammaries depreciated. She argued that her income at the strip club directly correlated with the size of her boobs, therefore, they were a business expense.

("I just don't understand why they can't my inner beauty....will ever find a man who loves me for me")

3. This next person may have very well been smoking something. The very responsible "entrepenuer" decided it was time to join the ranks of the tax paying adult world. So he made sure that he calculated honestly and deducted everything he could, including the yearly maintenance expenses of his massive field of marijuana. Oh yes he did.

(yeah, man, I uh.....I'm like really into the whole like....essence of being responsible)

2. A hip replacement. You work hard, you lift heavy things your. Your tendons and joints begin to take some wear and tear. It seems only fair that the IRS would let you deduct the cost of the surgery to turn you into a bionic man so you can keep working. But this rule does not also apply to your dog. Yes, some dude wrote off his dog's hip replacement.

(here is your dog, all fixed up, we added some extra "enhancments"...some NO2 boosters and photon lasers)

1. So a guy went to sperm bank repeatedly for a year. He thought that despite the fact he was already getting paid for his "deposits", the sperm that he lost each time was considered a deductible expense. All those little twinkles in his eye were like miniature children. Yes the number one most ridiculous write off ever is a man's own sperm .

(um....so where are you guys from?)

5-Legal. Although he was carefully inspected, because he truly did not and had not ever used any modern means of communication (EVER!) the pigeons were legit. That's right, brotha, stick it to the man.

4-Legal. She took the IRS to tax court and actually won! Because her income at the strip club was directly correlational to how big her boobs were, the court ruled it as a business expense.

3-Illegal. Haha, yeah right, are you kidding? His house was raided and all of his things were taken. This would be one case where it's better not to report anything and take your chances.

2-Illegal. The man claimed the surgery was for a "dependent". Not happening, buddy. This didn't even make it to tax court. The CPA had a good laugh and said, "hell no".

1- Illegal. The IRS had to use everything in their power not to Chuck Norris this dude in the Mommy-Daddy button. No more kids for you.