Im not sure if any of you have wondered the same thing but wouldn't you have loved to be at the board meeting when 'captain rape' was selected to be the face of six flags? It's like Turtle Wax meets Herbert the Pervert from family guy. I guess who better to lure in little children than a vigorous old pedophile with a colorful van and free tickets to an amusement park.
If you are able to get past the questionable advertising and actually enter the park in person you will come to find you do actually get access to a pretty respectable variety of rides. And it doesn't hurt being accompanied by a very pretty gal (who will later school you in video games....wtf!?). I would highly advise this tactic of opposite sex accompaniment so that you are less likely to check out a hottie from afar only to realize she is a 14 year old......................................boy....or fall into a hypnotic trance from the morbidly obese soul sista pouring out of her size three impromptu booty shorts, the soft undulating blubber demanding your gaze and then disorienting your spacial awareness. Hold on to your pretty girl's (or guy's) arm tightly, maintain eye contact with them at all times and wade through the Picasso painting of a crowd to get to the good stuff. Six Flags people makes People of Walmart look like Victoria's Secret models. And make sure you don't walk to fast either, or they will mistake your hurriedness for fear and once they smell your fear they will bite.
Whats the best thing in the park? Rollercoasters! Yay! Amazingly enough we didn't wait in a single line for more than ten minutes, an all time record, especially since lots A-K were full and we had to park in reserve lot 1, but I'm guessing the heart of the mob was too busy absorbing each other's Hepatitis C in the Waterpark. Wild One is rickety and very likely to derail soon. Do not go on that one. Apocalypse is outstanding (no pun intended, ride it to find out why). Superman reigns supreme. It's like a first person view from Jason Statham's balls in the movie Crank. Pure adrenaline. The downside of roller coasters: when you get done for the day after being strapped in all the harness and seats you will smell like a Persian man's thong after a marathon.
Most of the games are impossible. The ones that are possible cost ten dollars to play and the prize is comparable to a cardboard cut-out of Justin Beiber (clearly not worth ten dollars). Although I must say the squid hats were pretty bawler. I wouldn't mind making an entrance with a neon colored squid on my head.
Before squid hat:
Squid Hat:
After Squid Hat:
Arcade = yes. Almost as good as the roller coasters without even moving. Especially when you have a girl that outscores you in LA Machineguns (a 1st person shooter where you and your partner are on magic Jet-Skis shooting holding infinitely reloading machine guns and shooting at robots that try to kidnap the president...clearly a plot that would make Christopher Nolan soil his pants in awe of such genius.) Air hockey (she beat me), Ski ball, Hoops (she beat me), DDR (she did NOT beat me)....enough said. 20 bucks and the next few hours are pure bliss.
One last thing you should know about Six Flags before you go. Do NOT go into the "Hurricane Simulator". If you would like to experience this, merely go into your bedroom. Turn on your ceiling fan. Put your face close to it. Wait twenty seconds. Turn off of your fan. Take two dollars out of your wallet. Wipe your ass with them and then throw them out of the window. Congratulations you have experienced The Six Flags Hurricane simulator.
I hope this has been informational for you and will one day be printed in color and placed in the Six Flags directory right next the maps and show schedules. A good day to you!
