I want to know who designed the roads and intersections in DC? Was it designed by a group of lemmings? Look closely at the time stamp on this post. Yes, 5:10 A.M. Why? Because it took me almost an hour and a half to make my way out of the intestinal track of satan that is currently known as downtown DC. Now the gig itself went pretty well (James Hoban's; an Irish pub with a really cool staff and lots o' drinks, wa woo wee wa). My Mapquest directions led me there correctly but the last tenth of a mile was absurd. Du Pont circle is pretty much the biggest shit show of city road planning you will ever see. It looks something like this:
("Welcome to Du Pont circle, please check your mental health and well being at the first stop light")
Yeah, Imagine that steaming dump of a traffic circle with fifteen side streets that all have the same name and stop lights every 12 feet that stay red for 5 minutes and green for .06 seconds. Seriously, why do pedestrians need 45 seconds to cross a 10 foot area? Is everyone in DC quadriplegic? Are they out walking their turtles? After already being late to my gig from having to circle the restaurant 5 times around figure A to find a parking spot I was a little on edge. The 3 hours of playing music to pretty girls and fellow Irish brethren helped me quell my heart attack for while. A couple of Jameson's on the rocks didn't hurt, either. However, after the gig was over and I was packed up and headed back home I pretty much had a full on aneurism within ten minutes of trying to follow the Mapquest directions backwards. On top of having to follow the directions backward and being in completely unfamiliar territory, every road sign in DC looks like this:
So you are lost in DC. It's 2:30 A.M. Everyone is drunk and seemingly a potential threat to your well being. You see a guy puking all over the road, two people are making out on corner (not romantically but sloppily and angrily), a girl gets her heel stuck in a crack and plummets into a fire hydrant. Now these sights can be amusing and/or hilarious, but not when you don't know how to get away from such an area. And just when you think you've taken every single road and you cant get any more lost you come to this little diddy:
(so do I just get out my car?)
I almost lost it after my second attempted escape was foiled by a construction detour that led me right back downtown after 40 minutes of what I thought was proactive driving. Apparently the city was not ready to let me go just yet. My nerves were tingling, my eyes were bloodshot, and people in cars next to me appeared to be uncomfortable when they timidly glanced over at me talking to myself in my seat, rocking back and forth. Just before I became Michael Douglass in "Falling Down", by some miracle, I made it out onto the interstate. I have never been so happy to see the beltway. As of this moment, I never want to go to DC again. Am I being dramatic? Of course, that's half the fun. Actually thats all of the fun because nothing else about this was fun. Getting out of DC when you don't know how is about as much fun as using a cactus as toilet paper. Probably a little less bloody, though.
If you are reading this and you, either wholly or in part, are/were responsible for the designing of the roadways in the downtown area of the District of Columbia, please contact me at 1-800-jump off of a bridge with rocks tied to your feet.
You have a blessed day.
But isn't this, to a certain degree, everyone's story? Haven't we all felt a little lost in a strange unfamiliar place - like in the throes of a turbid romance with a ten foot tall japanese woman you met three times in a WOW addicts anonymous chat room? I know I have... several times. And isn't the best part about being lost persevering to the end of every dark road until you find the one with the light at the end? the road that takes you home is most sweetly traveled when stumbled upon in the final efforts of a weary frantic soul trying to return from whence it came. ahh... I know what your thinking - but, what happens to the hero when, after courageously venturing down each dark road, he still can't find his way; the road back home is nowhere to be found; nothing but dead ends and even sadder endings. Well? I reckon any proper hero worth his salt would quickly find the nearest liquor store, buy a bottle of expensive whiskey, and enjoy the view. There are some things that are best enjoyed while lost. Home never was one of those things.
ReplyDelete-The Woods
Exquisitely put, tasteful anonymous writer. I was laughing and intrigued at the same time.
ReplyDeleteYou get your driving sense from me. I too, was once lost in DC for hours. In the rain. In rush hour. Getting dark. I cried. I finally went into an Indian restaurant (where they did not speak English very well) crying and asked to use the phone. This was long before the days of cell phones. I called my Mommy (LeLe) and she gave me directions on how to get out. Gotta love that about her!!! Days later Oomah (my grandmother)told me how easy and sensibly DC is laid out. Alphabetically and Numerically! I beg to differ.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Your Compassly Challenged Mom
Wow, Dylan, I too was lost in DC. Got detoured due to construction and ended up where there were bars on windows. Stopped at the first gas station where a pregnant Indian woman would NOT give me directions and refused to let me talk to the guys in the back. Then I stopped at another gas station where they had the little tray that comes out so the attendant can talk to you behind bullet proof glass who was hard of hearing and had to keep yelling "WHAT?" to which I had to scream "CAN YOU GET ME TO K STREET?!" while hoards of Bloods and Crypts circled me slowly. Of course his answer was "NO!" and some angel (dressed as a Blood or a Crypt - imagine that) kindly told me to get in my car go straight then right and drive like hell. I am obviously here to tell the story. Sorry Buddy. I guess you haven't lived until you get lost in DC!!! Now you can get on with your life!
ReplyDeleteNot gonna lie... after watching you play I definitely picked up a few of my turtle pets and walked them around Dupont.. Sorry but they have to potty too. I feel partly responsible for your stress and frustration.
ReplyDeleteOh & I'm with the first comment... expensive whiskey is the way to go in many situations life hands us.