Make the Worst Christmas List Ever

The cold bite of winter is here. Wreathes, lights and wire frame reindeer adorn the front lawns, doorsteps and rooftops of your neighbors. Some of them may have gone overboard with the robotic waving Santas or excessive amounts of inflatable animals and/or creatures.

(check out that tasteful little lawn arrangement)

Christmas will be here soon! I tried really hard to somehow incorporate music into this post, but it's just not happening this week. I also wanted to make a list of some great ideas to get for that special someone, but seeing as I am a musician in Southern MD my list would be what $1.00 DVD's at Wal-Mart to buy. So what's just as insightful and beneficial as a list of things your significant other will love? Things NOT to get your significant other this Christmas! YAY! This means you won't have to buy anything! Just DON'T buy the things on this list! FREE!!!!

By significant other I mean girlfriend, because, of course all men need all the advice/assistance we can get for our lady's Christmas gifts. The search for the right present for your woman ends up turning you into Liam Neeson in Taken after a couple of weeks..

All women have to do is go to Gamestop and pick up Halo 4. Boom. Christmas for the man, done. Throw in some beef jerky, he's happy for the next 4 months. So, since I'm sure many of you guys out there might be running out of time and growing increasingly nervous, I compiled this little list so you can avoid an awkward moment of silence and potentially sleeping on the couch this Christmas.

The absolute WORST things you could possibly get your girlfriend this Christmas.

(in reverse order to emphasize climax....that's what she said)

5. Kind of joking but not really gifts

Including but not limited to: turkey sandwich making kit, coupon to BoobJobsRUs (yes it is a real place), lingerie deliberately a few sizes smaller, lip waxing kit, super-duper push-up bra, a long paid vacation......for one (yeah honey I'll just stay here while you go have fun in Aruba, I'll miss you! Don't get kidnapped! Love ya! Bye!)

4. Clothing of any sort!

Don't even try. Nothing is as difficult to try and properly clothe as the amorphous, shape-shifting body of a woman. The esoteric knowledge of a woman's dress size is something the ancients have guarded from mankind for centuries. The intellectual process is roughly equatable to reverse engineering a Russian Mig blindfolded while using nothing but a screwdriver....and your feet. We have no chance at all of solving this gordian knot. Our feeble attempts at finding the perfect size, shape, color and style of any clothing a woman might want will be laughable at best. At worst, you will get her something that is too small and she will think you are implying she is fat (see #3 for more things to avoid to prevent this)

3. Gym Membership

Nothing says "Honey you remind me of something........oh yeah! a Hershey's Kiss" like a gym membership. Seriously avoid this. She will be offended. It might be safer to get a duel membership so the both of you can work of those parts of your body that look like Zip-Lock bags filled with Jell-O together, but it would be wise to talk about it first. If you get her a membership to a gym or even any exercise equipment she didn't ask for, you might as well get her a card that says "Merry Christmas, Fatty, here's a $3000 gift card to Golden Corral, since you're obviously not too concerned with your weight anymore. PS - boy do I love the 'Venus of Willendorf' look you're going for. It fills out those stretch marks so you can hardly tell."

2. The Snuggie

Forget insulting just her figure. The message is clear. In so many words, you have just informed your girlfriend/wife she has given up on attempting to look nice entirely. If Richard Simmons was the Kl Klux Klan's fashion consultant, he would probably come up with a Snuggie . (Your robes are so fabulous, but I just want to add a splash of color!). Since comfortability takes rule over everything else, as Snuggie wearers gladly demonstrate, let's just all lay on the couch with robots that bring Doritos and Cinnabon to us and change our adult diapers as we sit motionlessly transfixed on American Pickers, pooping ourselves in pure infantile bliss. This is what wearing a Snuggie implies. You want to be warm and comfortable but you are just too lazy to hold a blanket around yourself. In this sense you almost don't deserve to be comfortable if you are really that lazy . I digress, the world doesn't need any more cults so please, don't get her a Snuggie.

For more details on why you should NOT get one, please watch this very informative video.



1. A Gift That Shows You Don't Pay Attention and/or Put No Effort Into It

"A check for $50? How romantic, you really went the extra mile this time."

"Cubic Zirconium....yeah, that's almost a diamond...Honey, you also signed the card "sincerely, John".....wow"

"Hey this looks just like...wait...this IS one of my dresses! You seriously wrapped up my own red dress as my present? I have been looking for this for three weeks."

"That pecan pie I love that your mom makes? Remember your ex, Samantha? Yeah, that was HER favorite. I am allergic to pecans."

"Tickets to Warped tour? But we're 40."

"Halo 4? You're an asshole."

"A Snuggie? Get out. Now."

And there you have it! Please, for the sake of fellow men everywhere, at all costs avoid any of these gifts this Christmas unless your lady friend has very clearly specified she actually wants one of these things, which she probably hasn't.

Ok so now it's your turn. Below list either the WORST gift you have ever recieved OR the worst gift you can possibly think of as a Christmas present. Happy shopping!

Bring Out My Inner Lyric Snob

This is a continuation/revamp of a previous post from about a year ago with a little less rant and a little more helpful info.

Onto the damage.

Artists in popular music have (for the most part) either have completely forgotten or are just neglecting the art of writing effective lyrics. Why does no one care anymore? WHY!? Waves and waves of crap just keep splattering against our poor, defenseless ears year after year and now we are covered in a thick stew of fecal matter that was once called music. It's not all of the artists and it's not all the radio stations, but it's way too many. Extremely talented producers seem to be doing the heavy lifting by layering these ass nuggets with beautiful blankets of sonic silk until all of the sudden you are completely distracted at how bad the lyrics suck. Apparently all you need is a four to the floor beat and then you can just yell all kinds of gibberish over it and everyone will just eat up your little aural dingleberries like Ferrero Rocher chocholates.

(Mmmmmmmmm.........poopy)

What makes a good lyric? Lemme esplain to you, Lucy. Why should you trust me? Don't. Trust my degree from Berklee.

Qualities of "good" lyrics:

Originality
The song should sound like nothing else. Unless you have a twin you are genetically unique, and so should your songs be. Songs about drinking and going to the club and songs bragging about how awesome you are seem to be a everywhere you listen. Although sometimes these songs are fun they typically have little to no actual lyrical value because of their lack of originality pertaining to the choice of subject matter and the cliched lyrics within.
Singing about a very specific thing that happened in your life is a very good way to avoid bland subject matter. If you had a breakup, don't just sing "oh baby you broke my heart"....of course she broke your heart, quit stating the obvious. Write about what exactly she said to you, how she looked, what you felt, delve down into your senses and pull out details from the situation. When you do that, all of the sudden, you song will gain a uniqueness that no one else has ever experienced.

Perspective
P.O.V. should be consistent throughout the whole song. If your song begins in third person (like a Ben Fold's song) with "he and she" don't just start whipping out "I and you" and change the song to first person. This is confusing to smart people and shows that you don't really know what the hell you are doing or you seriously need to invest in a proofreader.
Cee-lo Green's "F*#@ You" notoriously disregards this rule and still almost won a grammy, so people aren't listening too hard in the first place, but us songwriter's cringe at unexplained shifts in P.O.V. "I see you driving round town with the girl I love" - obviously written not to the girl but to the man who stole his girl. The verse goes on to say "I'm sorry I can't afford a Ferrari, but that don't mean I can't get you there"....wait, is Cee-Lo still singing to the guy that stole his girl? Is he going to buy that man a Ferrari? This song switches back and forth between being directed to the girl who left Cee-Lo and the guy who she left Cee-Lo with.
(I might add that overall this song is actually pretty clever, but read the lyrics again carefully with P.O.V. in mind and all of sudden you go, "Wow, that song doesn't make as nearly as much sense as I thought it did.") F$#% You by Cee-Lo lyrics

Verse Development
The verse should tell a story. The chorus should sum up that story. Each verse should tell more of the story. Verse 2 should introduce new material and continue the story, not just reiterate verse 1 with difference words.

Songs that do this well:
Strawberry Wine by Deanna Carter
Still Crazy After All These Years by Paul Simon
Walt Grace's Submarine Test by John Mayer

Songs that do not do this well:
Mambo #5 by Lou Bega
Milkshake by Kelis
Little Lion Man by Mumford and Songs
(Note that I do love this song, musically, and I love Mumford and Sons, but honestly about 90% of the time I find myself thinking, man I love this song....but what the hell is it even about.)

Avoid Cliche Rhymes:
(love/above, baby/crazy, heart/start, phone/alone/home, girl/world, fun/one/young)

Rhymes are a huge part of writing and cliched rhymes aren't actually bad, they were once actually very clever. However, after about five million artists exploited these rhymes, the effectiveness they once had began to loose their luster. The more times something is repeated the less an impact it has from the first time. The first time you watch Inception, you will probably be more excited than the 3,000 time you watch it. The same is true with using words. If you use a cliche rhyme, try to put a new twist on the old rhyme. Don't just say "oh baby, you make me crazy" or "I'm all alone/waiting by the phone" or "I'm so in love/you came from above". It's been done.

Think about what you're saying.
The growing trend seems to be to just try and sound like you are Leonardo DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" just shouting and singing nonsensical phrases, metaphors that don't make sense, much like these little lyrical turds:

"Just a shy guy looking for a two ply Hefty bag to hold my love"
(C'mon Pat Monahan I understand you like metaphors, but you're really stretching it. Pun intended.)

"Hmm thinks, 1, 2, 3, to the Nicki Minaj blink"
(so first off I wasn't aware that a countdown was necessary to prepare oneself for blinking, second, I guess "Nikki Manaj" blinks are better than normal blinks.)

The first thing that pops into your head isn't always a good idea. The original lyrics for The Beatles "Eleanor Rigby" were: "All in a tonguey, blowing his mind in the dark with a pipe full of clay, no one would say". The original lyrics to The Beatles "Yesterday" were "Scrambled eggs, oh my baby how I love your legs". Paul McCartney understands this idea. Fergie does not.

"My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps"
(Fergie. Ew. Beautiful breasts do not come to mind, lumpy, disfigured blobs of cottage cheese do. Please never call anything on your body humps or lumps unless you want people to think you look like a mutant camel naked.)

This post is subjective and technically, there really are no rules to songwriting, but there are certain things you can do to a song to more clearly present an idea inside of your head to other people. One of my professors during my time at Berklee, Pat Pattison, has thoroughly analyzed and broken down all the tools of making effective lyrics into a science. His book, Writing Better Lyrics is basically the bible of lyric writing and I would venture so far as to say it is absolutely essential for any songwriters, beginner or professional. It uses popular examples of very well written songs to help you understand each concept and gives you very fun exercises to help develop your own abilities. This concludes a very brief "lyrics 101". Now get out there and start differentiating between well constructed lyrics and steaming dumps. Let's make fun of crappy lyrics together!

Click below to comment and tell me some of the worst lyrics you have ever heard!!

Play an acoustic cover of: "All My Lovin'"

Here's a little acoustic cover I sometimes do at shows. Let me know whatcha think.

Catch Some Local Music

Spending my whole life in Southern Maryland I have realized, as many of you have, sometimes Southern Maryland is not always the most eventful place in the world. But recently, there seems to be a little buzz around this place. It seems that Southern Maryland is beginning to give birth to a growing music scene. Although still in it's infancy, more and more bars and restaurants are bringing live music to their establishments and a growing number of musicians are melding together and forming bands. The radio is great but nothing beats the chemistry of people playing live music together, jumping, singing in harmony, trading solos, packed full of all the energy and risk involved of playing in front of a live audience.

Who are some of the prominent bands in Southern Maryland? Let's begin the introductions.

Sam Grow Band - They are the undisputed champions of Southern Maryland. They have shared the stage with Ronnie Dunn, Boston, Sister Hazel, Kanye West, Bill Engvall and tons of other nationally touring acts. Their set list, now almost entirely original music, combines southern rock, hard rock, soul and pop. The band showcases 800 horsepower vocals, time bending rock-shredding, and a rhythm section tighter than Honey Boo-Boo's mother's socks. Everywhere you look these guys are headlining shows, packing houses night after night, touring, making radio appearances, doing interviews, and selling merchandise.

No Green Jelly Beenz - This is probably the most popular of all the cover bands in the area. These guys pull a ton of people wherever they go and have a fantastic party-til-you-drop showmanship that helps you understand how they got to where they are. They have an absurd number of cover songs and have the crowds eating out of their hands every time. Superstorm Sandy? That was just the leftover energy from a N.G.J.B. show. Yeah, it get's that ridiculous. Michael J. Fox? He doesn't actually have Parkinson's he just sat front row at a Beenz concert 5 years ago. Typically, on most nights they play, the police just close the rest of county so they can make sure the insanity from the show doesn't turn into an episode of The Walking Dead.


Hydra FX - This band has been rocking stages for over ten years. They blend reggae, rock, hard rock and funk into a balls-to-the-wall style that makes even the laziest of bastards get up off of their fat asses and start dancing. Newly adopted Dream Theatre shredder and Met-rx Strong Man contestant John Kinkaid, who sometimes has to pick up his own bicep and move it out of the way to play a solo, is like tossing a handful of bottle rockets into the fire (..Let's Burn it Brighter). This band's rhythm section is more solid than a bowel movement after two blocks of cheese and when they whip out their highly syncopated rock-reggae breakdowns, it takes everything in your will power not punch the old lady sitting next to you in the face out of sheer joy. Now fronted by everyone's favorite Ginger, Greg Barrick, whose on stage antics may remind you of Angus Young + an 8 ball of cocaine. This band could play at a morgue and by the end of the first set, the bodies would be doing the Wobble.

Jukebox Thieves - This tight-knit cover band has a clean and driving sound and is fronted by one of the best vocalists in the area, Tara Rae, showing off her dynamics and range from song to song and channeling popular greats like Christina Aguilera, Adele and Hayley Williams (Paramore) . (She is unfortunately taking a several week hiatus to rest those beautiful pipes and come back even stronger.) Their guitar player also has some pipes of his own, rocking out McCartney style thumping lines while belting out in the middle of sets. These guys know a ridiculous number of top 40's hits and they know how to please a crowd.

The Piranhas - Well I hope you like crapping your pants because that happens from time to time towards the end of our shows. Versatility is our middle name, we play everything from Bon Jovi and The Outfield to Rage Against the Machine, Bob Marley, Alex Clare, C.C.R., Jessie J, Guns and Roses, Gnarles Barkley, Ben Harper, Maroon 5 and so many more that if I listed them all, this blog would turn into a J.R Tolkein novel. We have a very climactic show, usually beginning with something soft, slow and simple and ending with dual harmonized guitar finger-tapping, headbanging, jumping off of chairs, climbing up poles, throwing dead chipmunks, etc. You just have to come see it for yourself.

Justin Myles - This STOMP! performer has joined forces with Rusty Williams to put on a mesmerizing blend of jazz, funk and pop. You may even see Justin pull out his tap board and begin trading fours with Rusty. His covers are soulful and entertaining and his song selection is a breath of fresh air, choosing songs like Moondance by Van Morrison, Senorita by Justin Timberlake and Maneater by Hall and Oats. He also incorporates some of his rhythmically savvy originals. His influences, Dave Matthews, Bobby Mcferrin and Jamie Cullum are quite apparent in his highly stylized playing, singing and writing. It would be a good idea to check out one of his live shows.

Diojee - No, not D.O.G. These guys have a very unique island-esque vibe and sound like they might be closer to the Caribbean than Southern Maryland. They have a solid list of original acoustic-reggae influenced grooves, carried by calming vocals and peppered with percussion. After listening to Diojee, you may feel an uncontrollable urge to buy a boat and move a little closer to the beach.

Since I would have to write a fifteen page blog to properly introduce all the great acts around this area, check out these links to get to know some of the prominent local performers in Southern Maryland:

Naked,
Patti Dorsche,
Groovespan,
Dave and Kevin,
Stereocase,
Funkzilla,
Synergy,
Pet the Monster,
No Luck for Landes,
Don't Call Me Shirley
Law-Less
Colossus of Clout
Ben Connelly
Car 54
Dave Norris

To anyone else I didn't mention - my apologies. Feel free to post your name and link below in the comment box!