Make the Worst Christmas List Ever

The cold bite of winter is here. Wreathes, lights and wire frame reindeer adorn the front lawns, doorsteps and rooftops of your neighbors. Some of them may have gone overboard with the robotic waving Santas or excessive amounts of inflatable animals and/or creatures.

(check out that tasteful little lawn arrangement)

Christmas will be here soon! I tried really hard to somehow incorporate music into this post, but it's just not happening this week. I also wanted to make a list of some great ideas to get for that special someone, but seeing as I am a musician in Southern MD my list would be what $1.00 DVD's at Wal-Mart to buy. So what's just as insightful and beneficial as a list of things your significant other will love? Things NOT to get your significant other this Christmas! YAY! This means you won't have to buy anything! Just DON'T buy the things on this list! FREE!!!!

By significant other I mean girlfriend, because, of course all men need all the advice/assistance we can get for our lady's Christmas gifts. The search for the right present for your woman ends up turning you into Liam Neeson in Taken after a couple of weeks..

All women have to do is go to Gamestop and pick up Halo 4. Boom. Christmas for the man, done. Throw in some beef jerky, he's happy for the next 4 months. So, since I'm sure many of you guys out there might be running out of time and growing increasingly nervous, I compiled this little list so you can avoid an awkward moment of silence and potentially sleeping on the couch this Christmas.

The absolute WORST things you could possibly get your girlfriend this Christmas.

(in reverse order to emphasize climax....that's what she said)

5. Kind of joking but not really gifts

Including but not limited to: turkey sandwich making kit, coupon to BoobJobsRUs (yes it is a real place), lingerie deliberately a few sizes smaller, lip waxing kit, super-duper push-up bra, a long paid vacation......for one (yeah honey I'll just stay here while you go have fun in Aruba, I'll miss you! Don't get kidnapped! Love ya! Bye!)

4. Clothing of any sort!

Don't even try. Nothing is as difficult to try and properly clothe as the amorphous, shape-shifting body of a woman. The esoteric knowledge of a woman's dress size is something the ancients have guarded from mankind for centuries. The intellectual process is roughly equatable to reverse engineering a Russian Mig blindfolded while using nothing but a screwdriver....and your feet. We have no chance at all of solving this gordian knot. Our feeble attempts at finding the perfect size, shape, color and style of any clothing a woman might want will be laughable at best. At worst, you will get her something that is too small and she will think you are implying she is fat (see #3 for more things to avoid to prevent this)

3. Gym Membership

Nothing says "Honey you remind me of something........oh yeah! a Hershey's Kiss" like a gym membership. Seriously avoid this. She will be offended. It might be safer to get a duel membership so the both of you can work of those parts of your body that look like Zip-Lock bags filled with Jell-O together, but it would be wise to talk about it first. If you get her a membership to a gym or even any exercise equipment she didn't ask for, you might as well get her a card that says "Merry Christmas, Fatty, here's a $3000 gift card to Golden Corral, since you're obviously not too concerned with your weight anymore. PS - boy do I love the 'Venus of Willendorf' look you're going for. It fills out those stretch marks so you can hardly tell."

2. The Snuggie

Forget insulting just her figure. The message is clear. In so many words, you have just informed your girlfriend/wife she has given up on attempting to look nice entirely. If Richard Simmons was the Kl Klux Klan's fashion consultant, he would probably come up with a Snuggie . (Your robes are so fabulous, but I just want to add a splash of color!). Since comfortability takes rule over everything else, as Snuggie wearers gladly demonstrate, let's just all lay on the couch with robots that bring Doritos and Cinnabon to us and change our adult diapers as we sit motionlessly transfixed on American Pickers, pooping ourselves in pure infantile bliss. This is what wearing a Snuggie implies. You want to be warm and comfortable but you are just too lazy to hold a blanket around yourself. In this sense you almost don't deserve to be comfortable if you are really that lazy . I digress, the world doesn't need any more cults so please, don't get her a Snuggie.

For more details on why you should NOT get one, please watch this very informative video.



1. A Gift That Shows You Don't Pay Attention and/or Put No Effort Into It

"A check for $50? How romantic, you really went the extra mile this time."

"Cubic Zirconium....yeah, that's almost a diamond...Honey, you also signed the card "sincerely, John".....wow"

"Hey this looks just like...wait...this IS one of my dresses! You seriously wrapped up my own red dress as my present? I have been looking for this for three weeks."

"That pecan pie I love that your mom makes? Remember your ex, Samantha? Yeah, that was HER favorite. I am allergic to pecans."

"Tickets to Warped tour? But we're 40."

"Halo 4? You're an asshole."

"A Snuggie? Get out. Now."

And there you have it! Please, for the sake of fellow men everywhere, at all costs avoid any of these gifts this Christmas unless your lady friend has very clearly specified she actually wants one of these things, which she probably hasn't.

Ok so now it's your turn. Below list either the WORST gift you have ever recieved OR the worst gift you can possibly think of as a Christmas present. Happy shopping!

Explain my Top 5 favorite Cd's at this moment

So I noticed something on my old college's web site that certain students were spotlighted for their musical achievements and given interviews. I remember one thing I really enjoyed was hearing about the student's top 5 favorite CD's. Since you pretty much have to started playing in the womb and be a total badass to even be considered getting this interview, I was not fortunate enough to get it. So Im doing it myself on my blog. Although I can't really decide on 5 CD's being my all time favorites, I have 5 that I highly recommend and all are completely unique and at some point life changing in my taste and enjoyment of music, so here we go.



5 - Suzanne Vega's "99.9 Fahrenheit Degrees". Somber vocals, really effective songwriting, ambient guitar layers, and industrial laced grooves that are built with an even blend of electronic sounds and and real instruments. These sometimes haunting songs pull influence everywhere from light bossa nova to introspective folk to something reminiscent of the Nine Inch Nails.



4 - Imogen Heap's "Speak for Yourself". This is a production masterpiece to say the least. Absolutely lush, vibrant songs that are as finely crafted and original as a human fingerprint. The highlight of this CD is "Hide and Seek" a jaw dropping tapestry of electronically altered vocal harmonies, like an alien acapella group. This is not to be confused with "Mmmm Whatcha Say?" and in my opinion is infinitely superior to the somehow more popular song that sampled this one.


3 - John Mayer's "Room for Squares". This CD pretty much did it for me. When this came out I must have listened to it five hundred times. Definitely a more heavily produced effort from this never-ceasing-to-amaze writer, but still outstanding, nonetheless. John Mayer has a way of writing a song about things you swore you were the only one going through. From the nostalgia-inducing "1983" to the humorous foot-in-the-mouth anti-hero of "My Stupid Mouth" to the ephemeral happiness by a fire in "St. Patricks Day" this collection of stories is the perfect road trip companion.




2 - Dave Brubeck's "Time Out". Dave took swing and bebop, melted it down like a crazed alchemist and pretty much single-handedly invented cool jazz. This CD was a groundbreaking showcase of experimental jazz forms full of altered time signatures, tempo changing sections and dual tempos. It sounds like a sunday walk through a park of abstract sculptures. This was one of the first CD's I ever really listened to over and over, one of the many great ones in my dads collection.




1 - Thomas Newman's "America Beauty Score". This is it. To me, this is arguably some of the most beautiful music that has ever been created. His anti-orchestra method of creating music yields unique soundscapes that vividly induce certain moods. I once listened to the theme "American Beauty" (I think its track number 6) for more than 5 hours straight on repeat. These tracks are perfect for getting lost in a painting or a good book. You have to hear this one.