(check out that tasteful little lawn arrangement)
Christmas will be here soon! I tried really hard to somehow incorporate music into this post, but it's just not happening this week. I also wanted to make a list of some great ideas to get for that special someone, but seeing as I am a musician in Southern MD my list would be what $1.00 DVD's at Wal-Mart to buy. So what's just as insightful and beneficial as a list of things your significant other will love? Things NOT to get your significant other this Christmas! YAY! This means you won't have to buy anything! Just DON'T buy the things on this list! FREE!!!!
By significant other I mean girlfriend, because, of course all men need all the advice/assistance we can get for our lady's Christmas gifts. The search for the right present for your woman ends up turning you into Liam Neeson in Taken after a couple of weeks..
All women have to do is go to Gamestop and pick up Halo 4. Boom. Christmas for the man, done. Throw in some beef jerky, he's happy for the next 4 months. So, since I'm sure many of you guys out there might be running out of time and growing increasingly nervous, I compiled this little list so you can avoid an awkward moment of silence and potentially sleeping on the couch this Christmas.
The absolute WORST things you could possibly get your girlfriend this Christmas.
(in reverse order to emphasize climax....that's what she said)
5. Kind of joking but not really gifts
Including but not limited to: turkey sandwich making kit, coupon to BoobJobsRUs (yes it is a real place), lingerie deliberately a few sizes smaller, lip waxing kit, super-duper push-up bra, a long paid vacation......for one (yeah honey I'll just stay here while you go have fun in Aruba, I'll miss you! Don't get kidnapped! Love ya! Bye!)
4. Clothing of any sort!
Don't even try. Nothing is as difficult to try and properly clothe as the amorphous, shape-shifting body of a woman. The esoteric knowledge of a woman's dress size is something the ancients have guarded from mankind for centuries. The intellectual process is roughly equatable to reverse engineering a Russian Mig blindfolded while using nothing but a screwdriver....and your feet. We have no chance at all of solving this gordian knot. Our feeble attempts at finding the perfect size, shape, color and style of any clothing a woman might want will be laughable at best. At worst, you will get her something that is too small and she will think you are implying she is fat (see #3 for more things to avoid to prevent this)
3. Gym Membership
Nothing says "Honey you remind me of something........oh yeah! a Hershey's Kiss" like a gym membership. Seriously avoid this. She will be offended. It might be safer to get a duel membership so the both of you can work of those parts of your body that look like Zip-Lock bags filled with Jell-O together, but it would be wise to talk about it first. If you get her a membership to a gym or even any exercise equipment she didn't ask for, you might as well get her a card that says "Merry Christmas, Fatty, here's a $3000 gift card to Golden Corral, since you're obviously not too concerned with your weight anymore. PS - boy do I love the 'Venus of Willendorf' look you're going for. It fills out those stretch marks so you can hardly tell."
2. The Snuggie
Forget insulting just her figure. The message is clear. In so many words, you have just informed your girlfriend/wife she has given up on attempting to look nice entirely. If Richard Simmons was the Kl Klux Klan's fashion consultant, he would probably come up with a Snuggie . (Your robes are so fabulous, but I just want to add a splash of color!). Since comfortability takes rule over everything else, as Snuggie wearers gladly demonstrate, let's just all lay on the couch with robots that bring Doritos and Cinnabon to us and change our adult diapers as we sit motionlessly transfixed on American Pickers, pooping ourselves in pure infantile bliss. This is what wearing a Snuggie implies. You want to be warm and comfortable but you are just too lazy to hold a blanket around yourself. In this sense you almost don't deserve to be comfortable if you are really that lazy . I digress, the world doesn't need any more cults so please, don't get her a Snuggie.
For more details on why you should NOT get one, please watch this very informative video.
1. A Gift That Shows You Don't Pay Attention and/or Put No Effort Into It
"A check for $50? How romantic, you really went the extra mile this time."
"Cubic Zirconium....yeah, that's almost a diamond...Honey, you also signed the card "sincerely, John".....wow"
"Hey this looks just like...wait...this IS one of my dresses! You seriously wrapped up my own red dress as my present? I have been looking for this for three weeks."
"That pecan pie I love that your mom makes? Remember your ex, Samantha? Yeah, that was HER favorite. I am allergic to pecans."
"Tickets to Warped tour? But we're 40."
"Halo 4? You're an asshole."
"A Snuggie? Get out. Now."
And there you have it! Please, for the sake of fellow men everywhere, at all costs avoid any of these gifts this Christmas unless your lady friend has very clearly specified she actually wants one of these things, which she probably hasn't.
Ok so now it's your turn. Below list either the WORST gift you have ever recieved OR the worst gift you can possibly think of as a Christmas present. Happy shopping!
